Sunday, December 4, 2011
On the top of my blog, I mention birds getting caught in whirl and that's where I have been. It was Sept 23 when I last wrote here. My life has been a whirlwind lately and in the flurry of changes, I lost my focus. Instead of straining ahead in faith, I became overwhelmed by everything. Doubt set in, followed by fear, then immobility. Yet, perhaps stillness isn't a bad thing, for I needed time to process. Maybe it is a character flaw, but I need to know how to cope and relate to my surroundings. Even if I cannot see my next step, I must understand the context of where I am.
For the past few weeks, there have been many days when I've been withdrawn and moody, but I did not understand why. In August, I began working a job that I love, but lately, sometimes I responded to the environment as if it were my enemy. Troubled by this, I found myself building walls instead of relationships. It didn't make sense. No matter what I tried to do to, the gravitational pull towards my defense mechanisms was stronger than my will to persevere. My soul sickness rendered me unwilling to fight the spiritual battles unseen to my eyes yet felt deep within my heart. It hasn’t been on my own strength that I have been able to make through these dark days, but rather the prayers of the faithful.
I believe God allowed this discontentment to show me how little I trust Him. He has revealed how I have been using old wounds and past sorrows to dictate my steps on this journey. Behaviors that once puzzled are now understood in the light of truth. With truth to guide, I am on my way again. I'm still uncertain what the future will reveal, but I know I cannot keep looking back. Hindsight isn't always twenty-twenty and it isn't always reliable. My focus must be straight ahead, eyes trained on where Jesus is leading, so I can keep moving forward.