Bug

I was told by a friend to blog every day if I was going to have a blog.  For the past few days I was trying to blog daily, until yesterday, when all of a sudden I felt horrible.  I went from from feeling pretty good to uh-oh!  I got a bug of some kind... It has been going around the office and now I have it.    


I'll spare you the details as I am sure you are quite familiar with some of the things I have been experiencing.  I believe I am on the mend, but I have a monster headache.  I need to try to eat the soup I made and then return to my convalescence in my comfy bed.


I had a really good idea (at least I thought) for a blog yesterday morning, but... I guess it was meant for another day.  See ya!

If I Am the Pineapple

Pineapple by Anna Cervova (link below)

While perusing a royalty-free photo website, this image on the left caught my eye.  Perhaps it is the simplicity of the photo or the dramatic black background that drew me in.  No matter what attracted me, I see a spiritual application for my life right now.  

Lately, at times, I have become the worst version of myself, even to the point of loathing that which I have become.  In previous blogs, I mentioned struggling with some issues.  Often, in the midst of them, I have lost all sense of what is right in the world and what is not.  Distorted perspectives cast doubt or fear which, in turn, cause further distortion.  It is a vicious cycle culminating in me realizing that I have become something or someone I was never intended to be.  But...that's on the outside.  What people see.  Inside, right down to the very core, is quite different.


Life has shown me things are never as they appear, but I often forget this in my struggles.  If I am the pineapple in this blog, underneath the rough and unsightly exterior is tenderness and sweetness.  Remorse and introspection usually follow the moments where I have blown it with words or actions.  Self-correction can be within moments or after long periods of withdrawal where I try to figure out what is going on inside which takes me to the core of my being.  


The core of my being is sturdy and holds together everything inside.  All the tenderness and sweetness is attached to the core, making it quite difficult to separate it.  I suppose that is why when I struggle with whatever life has thrown at me or faced with troubling circumstances, I feel it to the core.  Yet, by the same token, moments of elation and joy affect me to the same degree.  It doesn't matter whether it is anger or anguish.  Delight or dread.  The emotions are all consuming and everything inside me is affected.  


So what is the point?  I am human and like the pineapple, what is appearing on the outside may not be what is inside.  I need to remember this in myself and others.  Two scriptures come to mind while I am writing this and it is on those I will end the blog.  The first is 1 Samuel 16:7:  "...For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (NKJV)  and the other is 1 John 3:20: "For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.  Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence in toward God." (NKJV)  




Image from:

HTML:

<a href="http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=1621&picture=pineapple">Pineapple</a> by Anna Cervova

You Shall Be Free Indeed

In a comment on my blog about being comfortably captive, Gail reminded me of a truth from scripture.  "...if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed"  John 8:36 NKJV.  Beautiful words to foster trust rather than doubt. I believe these words to be true, so why am I  having difficulty entering freedom?

By addressing the comment, I am basically admitting that the confinement or captivity I blogged about two days ago, is of my own choosing.  The verse above implies the gate was opened, the wire was cut, or the fence was razed.  Could it be that I really don't believe it?  Am I really free?  Or could it be there are weeds hindering my way through? Or rocks to climb over? 

The weeds in my metaphor could represent anything that tries to choke out or diminish what is good in my life.  Painful memories.  Regrets.  Guilt.  Shame.  Lies and distortions from the enemy.  The rocks are obstacles to my freedom like challenges, actual or imagined.  Lack of knowledge.  Fear.  There are times, I am not sure which are rocks and which are weeds, but either way, they make it difficult to run towards freedom.

I love the picture I chose for this blog entry because I see myself in it in two different ways.  Sometimes, I am a weed or rock to someone else's freedom.  For today, though, I see myself as the lamb.  Even though I am in the middle of weeds and rocks, I am not focusing on them.  My ears are perked, my eyes are open and I am looking forward, not down and around.  So what am doing here?  Am I waiting for the coast to clear?  Or could it be that I am afraid of what is beyond?  Could it be I am finding some sort of safety in the weeds and the rocks, but curious enough of what is ahead not to hunker down and hide in them?

Ode to Valentine's Day...

Feb One Four lost its luster and its shine

Because this year I have no valentine

No cards adorned, all glittery and aglow

No serenade from the street below

No flowers

No candy

No kitten in box

No presents

No love notes

No stone cold fox

Winged cherubs without clothes

Aim their arrows and their bows

At the discontented masses

Seeking love before it passes

But so what?

Who cares?

What difference does it make?

It’s all good

I’m content

A changed direction I can take

There’s more to my life

Than some crazy lovelorn strife

Wake up!  Find your sense and your bearing

Or it’s cupid’s arrow you’ll be wearing

Farewell to you valentine’s day

I pine for you no longer

All the years you had a say

But this year I’m much stronger

Comfortably Captive

Hi there, it is the Bird in a Whirl who has not blogged for quite awhile.  I found this photo a few days ago and have studied it some because it resonates with me.


Though it is blurry, I can see the fence is made from barbed wire.  A barbed wire fence is good for keeping things from coming in and from going out.  They are hard to climb over or squeeze through.  No matter how it is tried, getting over or through a barbed wire fence usually results in some sort of injury.  I grew up on a farm, this is something I know firsthand.  The rusty fence post indicates it has been there awhile and seen its fair share of rain, fog, or snow.    


In my last post in December, I seemed to be heading in the right direction, but things happen.  Too much to divulge here, but this photo kind of indicates where I have been, or at least where my mind has been.  Held captive.  Confined. Trapped.  Trapped in memories and wounds from the past.  Trapped in a pattern of ill-conceived thoughts, notions, and beliefs about myself and about God.  Truth gets snagged or caught on the barbs as it tries to get in and responses from me suffer the same fate when I find the courage to express them.  


On the flip side, a fence also is a source of protection.  Self-preservation mode is where I have lingered for a time.  I cannot move forward, but neither can I move back.  It seems all I can do right now is process and sort things out.  It may take some time because truth be told, I am hurting inside. That is not necessarily a bad thing.  In the Bible, Romans 8:26-28 reads "the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.  And he who searches our hearts know what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."  (ESV) 


Hope springs inside my heart.  I love God.  I believe that Jesus died on the cross to take away my punishment for my sins.  I believe the Holy Spirit is at work in my life.  Therefore, I am holding onto the truth in the scripture I shared in this blog.  


Maybe I should blog about this transition from captivity to freedom.  Captivity is not ideal, but it is comfortable because it is well known.  However, I need to find a way out of it or I will not be able to live the life I was intended to live.  I doubt I am the only one who thinks or feels the way I do...