Though it is blurry, I can see the fence is made from barbed wire. A barbed wire fence is good for keeping things from coming in and from going out. They are hard to climb over or squeeze through. No matter how it is tried, getting over or through a barbed wire fence usually results in some sort of injury. I grew up on a farm, this is something I know firsthand. The rusty fence post indicates it has been there awhile and seen its fair share of rain, fog, or snow.
In my last post in December, I seemed to be heading in the right direction, but things happen. Too much to divulge here, but this photo kind of indicates where I have been, or at least where my mind has been. Held captive. Confined. Trapped. Trapped in memories and wounds from the past. Trapped in a pattern of ill-conceived thoughts, notions, and beliefs about myself and about God. Truth gets snagged or caught on the barbs as it tries to get in and responses from me suffer the same fate when I find the courage to express them.
On the flip side, a fence also is a source of protection. Self-preservation mode is where I have lingered for a time. I cannot move forward, but neither can I move back. It seems all I can do right now is process and sort things out. It may take some time because truth be told, I am hurting inside. That is not necessarily a bad thing. In the Bible, Romans 8:26-28 reads "the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches our hearts know what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (ESV)
Hope springs inside my heart. I love God. I believe that Jesus died on the cross to take away my punishment for my sins. I believe the Holy Spirit is at work in my life. Therefore, I am holding onto the truth in the scripture I shared in this blog.
Maybe I should blog about this transition from captivity to freedom. Captivity is not ideal, but it is comfortable because it is well known. However, I need to find a way out of it or I will not be able to live the life I was intended to live. I doubt I am the only one who thinks or feels the way I do...