Saturday, September 10, 2011

Learning to Breathe Again...

I have been at my new job for a little over a month and I think I am finally learning how to breathe again.  At long last, I feel myself relaxing into this new role and the responsibilities that come with it.  Becoming acquainted with a whole new cast of characters and adapting to my new environment was a struggle I never imagined.  Emancipation from my previous job was glorious indeed, for the motto for the first week was Hurrah!   However, I never gave any thought to what would follow. 

Old, long forgotten fears suddenly shrouded my thoughts.  Emotional wounds once healed were reopened rendering me a weeping heap of flesh at the most inopportune moments.   The next couple of weeks that followed, I would try to cover my wounds and hide in my cubicle.  Fear of rejection and fear of being inadequate prevented me from speaking up and sharing completely what was going on in my mind.  I knew I was trying to build walls with one hand and trying to knock them down with the other.   Fighting the temptation to run away was constantly battling the desire to stay and be successful.

Many days I considered returning to my old job, but someone would stop by my cubicle to chat or there would be an email reassuring me I was in the right place.  My co-workers have taken in the frazzled and bedraggled mess I am without judgment or reproach.  No matter how stinky, in my mind, my attitude may have been graciousness has been the response.  It has taken me about six weeks to stop holding my breath waiting for the axe to fall.    

The fears that once clouded my thoughts are receding and the old wounds are healing.  The process is tough, but I must work through it.  “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18.  This verse has been proven time and time again in my life, but especially the past few weeks.  It is by faith, prayer, and resolve to not be defeated that I am learning to breathe again.   

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