Friday, February 24, 2012

I Went For a Walk

I went for a walk in a cemetery today.  Why?  I needed to find a place to be alone and think...and pray.  Where else is there?  Parks usually have screaming kids.  The walking tracks at community centers have too many people, and usually smell bad.  Sidewalks are next to roads.  Roads have cars.  So, I decided a cemetery would be the best place to be alone.  And I was right.  A couple cars slowly passed by me, but the folks inside were probably minding their own business.  More than likely, they were absorbed by their own pain.  

Was I in pain?  A little bit, emotionally.  Kind of melancholy, but mostly...lost.  I woke up feeling lost in the world.  I am a processor.  A thinker always thinking.  Noodling, as my boss calls it.  There have been so many transitions in my life lately.  Actually, looking back, I feel as though I have always been in some sort of transitional phase.  Never settling down.  Never putting down roots.  Truth is, I don't know how.    

As I walked through the cemetery, I asked God to speak to me.  I was listening.  I asked God for direction, for Jesus to be with me, and for the Spirit to quicken me.  The wind was blowing and, for awhile, that is all I heard.  Then as clear as day, the words came through my mind, "Why are you looking for the living among the dead?"  Great question, I thought.  Scanning the rows of gravestones, I had no answer.  The flowers, statues, pictures, names distracted me from my thoughts.  My thoughts were the reason I was there. 

I prayed for a widow when I saw the marker for her late husband.  Someone I know.  I thanked God for my job and my coworkers.  For my supporters, I thanked God for them as I walked.  I thanked God that my life would not end in a cemetery.   

I kept walking.  Searching.  For what?  Answers?  Clues?  Symbolism?  It was cold.  Blustery, with snow flurries.  I love this kind of weather, but I wasn't in the mood for what I love.  I wanted to keep walking until I was satisfied.  A bit while later, I asked for forgiveness.  I asked God to reveal to me what was hindering me from hearing Him.  I wanted to be rid of it.  Confess it.  So I could hear.  

A bit while later, these words appeared in my mind, "Why are you looking for the living among the dead?"  I stopped walking.  God was making a point.  I know He is not a riddler just messing with my head.  Nope.  There is a reason He spoke these words to me.  These are the same words spoken by an angel in Luke 24:5 to women who were going to the tomb of Jesus on the third day.  So the words impressed on my mind are not a new revelation, but there is a spiritual application for my life in them.  But what?  I cannot rely on my own brains for this one.  He must want me to come to him for the answer to the question for my  life.  I love that about God.  

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